Are you still getting drunk or high?
Still stuck in active addiction?
Are you thinking about the idea of maybe–one day–getting clean and sober?
Let’s explore a bit further.
The true nature of denial
When I was stuck in my addiction, I used to say:
“I’m not in denial, because I know I’m an addict. I just don’t want to quit.”
Wrong.
This is not actually how denial works when it comes to recovery.
If you are stuck in addiction, then you are in denial of the fact that your life is a train wreck, and that you are completely miserable, and that you know–deep down–that things will never get better while you are using drugs or alcohol.
Better read that again. That is the truth about denial.
We all know that we are addicts and alcoholics. We can all admit that out loud while we are waving a shot glass in the air at the bar, slurring our words.
And we do all of this while proudly stating that, because we say we are addicted, how can we possibly be in denial? We admit it, right?
No.
You are in denial of your pain.
Addiction is pain and misery. And yet you tell yourself that it is a party. You remember the good times.
THAT is denial.
You and I both admit that you are addicted. There is no debating that.
And most alcoholics or addicts agree with this.
But the addict is saying “I wouldn’t be any happier if I were sober.” All while denying the fact that the are beyond miserable.
True surrender
There is a moment when the addict is at their breaking point, and they are essentially throwing up their arms and saying to the world “I can’t do this anymore, I really have had enough, please show me another way to live.”
That is a moment of surrender. It is not a surface level moment. It is a deep, cathartic shift in their perspective, one that, in my experience, could have resulted in suicide even–but I chose to live instead. (sorry for being so dramatic, but I really believe that is true).
Now the problem is this: You can’t just yell at an alcoholic and say “you sir–surrender to your addiction right now, and start recovering!”
Nor can the addict say “okay, I think it’s about time I surrendered to this thing, I’d like to start living the good life now.”
It’s not a decision that can be made casually, even by the addict themselves.
And therefore, true surrender is not something that is chosen, or forced on someone.
It is something that happens.
And this is why people in 12 step and religious based programs talk about being blessed, or even being chosen–because they simply “had enough” one day, broke through their denial, and fully surrendered to their disease.
It wasn’t anything special on their part that they did. Surrender just happened. And so they attribute it to grace.
Have you had enough pain yet?
What is likely is that the person reaching this state of true surrender has finally reached their own internal “pain threshold.”
They have finally had enough.
Drug addicts and alcoholics do not choose to get clean and sober when everything is going great for them in their lives.
If they have not experienced any pain from their addiction, why would they need to change anything about their life?
Therefore, if you are a loved one of someone who is struggling, you may have learned the solution from Al-Anon, which is to stop enabling the addict.
This doesn’t just mean that you stop giving them beer money. It means that you stop protecting them from consequences. It means that you let them fall flat on their face. It means that you just don’t have the bail money next time.
This increases the pain–with the idea being that the addict will not change unless they experience enough pain from their addiction.
Observing your pain can unlock surrender
Now if you are a struggling alcoholic yourself, you may be wondering if you can accelerate your progress towards true surrender. How can you reach this magical decision to want recovery–to really, really want it for yourself?
There may not be a magic button for this. But if there is, then it is this–try to observe.
Just watch. Become the “watcher” of your thoughts, as they say in meditation. You don’t have to judge, you don’t have to say “aha, see, I’m sad, now I should surrender and become sober!”
No, don’t try to jump that far ahead.
Just watch your own thoughts. Watch your emotional state.
If you are sad, suffering, losing relationships, losing a job, going through anything tough–just try to acknowledge it. See it for what it is.
That’s it. That is your only assignment.
If you are an addict or alcoholic who is seeking surrender, anything beyond this is really just pretending.
The surrender will happen on its own, when it’s ready.
You can only observe your suffering, for now. This will move you closer to the moment.
Full reset
Think of surrender as being a “full reset.”
When I surrendered to my disease, I left my apartment, left my relationship, left my job, and I even left my car behind!
I walked away from all of that and was desperate enough to embrace a stretch moment and go to rehab.
When I left rehab, I ended up getting a new place to live, a new job, and the few people that I associated with were now in recovery rather than people I bought drugs from in the past.
I did not return to my previous toxic relationship either–this is a critical piece that a lot of people stumble on.
All of these things taken as a whole comprise a fairly thorough “full reset” of my life.
Nearly everything was different.
And on top of that, I was suddenly not using drugs or alcohol any longer, so I was totally different as well.
It really felt like a whole new dimension.
Now I realize that not everyone will go through as much change as I did in terms of leaving jobs, apartments, relationships, and so on.
But I do think the concept itself is important when it comes to the concept of surrender, and of early recovery. You are not just going to put down your drug of choice while going through all of the same motions. Everything needs to change. You need to change, and a lot of your triggers need to change, and you may need to eliminate some toxic relationships, and so on.
All of this might seem overwhelming–and that is kind of the point. Your life in addiction is miserable, and it just keeps spiraling into this giant, unsustainable mess of silly string that you can’t seem to hold off the ground any more. And you realize that all of it needs to change, but how could you possibly do all of that? How can you escape all of this misery, most of which is from your own making?
And so you get overwhelmed, and you use your drug of choice to cope with this. Over and over. And you just perpetuate the cycle further.
Nothing changes until you finally have enough pain, reach that critical point of surrender, and experience a “full reset” as you start your recovery.
This is what worked for me, and this is the experience I have heard other people share as well.
Make an agreement with yourself, right now, to become the “watcher of your emotions.” You must observe your pain and suffering in order to one day break through your denial.
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