There are actually 2 questions here.
The first question is:
“When did I finally decide to give in to all of these outside forces that desperately wanted me to get help for my addiction–my family, my friends, society itself?”
That is the first time that I actually decided to go to rehab. I finally said “Okay, I guess it is time to give in to all of those people, those groups, and society” (what I thought was expected of me, and what was the proper thing to do).
I had a moment of what you might call “surface level surrender.”
I said “yes, I’ve been out of control, and I should really get a handle on this addiction thing. I should do something about it.”
The key word there being should. This is surface-level surrender. I am simply saying to myself “I think this is what I ought to do, probably, maybe, getting clean and sober….might be in my best interest.”
For some people, this surface-level surrender will happen at the urging of their family–maybe there will be a formal intervention done. Or perhaps the courts are involved, maybe they got a DUI or spent a night in jail, or picked up a possession charge. In a lot of cases, this first occurrence of surrender happens after some sort of consequence, or an urging from someone.
So the first question is really: “When did you have your first moment of “surface level surrender?”–which may or may not have led to a venture into a treatment facility.
But there is a second, much more important question that is implied here.
How I Really, Really Convinced Myself to go to Rehab
I came to a point in my own life when I had already been through 2 rehab centers over the course of 3 years. I had relapsed both times, almost immediately after both of those rehabs, and I was under the impression that treatment was never going to work for me–that somehow I must be wired differently than other alcoholics and drug addicts who were somehow able to sober up.
I was truly desperate, completely miserable, and I had no hope for myself whatsoever. I really believed that I was doomed to die a miserable drunk.
I was in denial. And I did not understand what it meant to be in denial.
It thought that if you were in denial, it simply meant that you were stomping your feet and saying “I’m not an addict! “I’m not an alcoholic!”
And of course, I wasn’t doing that. I was admitting out loud to myself and to anyone that would listen that I was an absolute mess, and most definitely a drug addict and an alcoholic.
I just didn’t want to do anything about it. And therefore, because I would admit to this, I declared myself to “not be in denial.”
This was complete BS, of course.
So if I was not in denial about the fact that I was an addict, what was I in denial about?
An addict and their pain
What I was in denial of was my pain.
When an alcoholic and a drug addict starts out on their journey, it’s all a party. It’s the good times, right? Everything is groovy, man. Life is wonderful. Let’s live it up. Drinks are on me.
At some point, the drugs or alcohol take over, and it’s no longer about having fun all the time. Now you need to get drunk or high just to maintain, just to feel normal, and eventually just to not be completely miserable.
And then, as the disease progresses, you will find yourself to be miserable even when you are under the influence. Your drug of choice will completely betray you.
At my moment of surrender, at the actual moment that I decided to go to rehab, I had been up all night drinking, by myself, and I was completely miserable. And I had this sudden moment of clarity where I realized “The party is over. This isn’t fun any more. I’m drunk, I’m high, I had everything that I wanted last night for my little party, and…..I’m not happy.”
My drug of choice wasn’t working. And suddenly it was staring me in the face. For whatever reason, reality had smacked me in the head that morning. I had a glimpse of the truth, and I could see past my denial.
My denial, was this: I believed that my life was a party, and that alcohol and drugs were “fun” for me.
And I had this core realization, a profound revelation that came from deep inside, where I said to myself:
“Oh my gosh–this is never going to be fun again. It’s really not.”
And in that moment, I realized, what have I got to lose by trying to get clean again?
What have I got to lose?
Because, truly, chasing my drug of choice was–I knew now for sure–a dead end. I could finally see past my denial. I knew now that I would never, ever be happy chasing drugs again.
So why not try something else.
I had finally accepted my pain for what it was.
I was miserable. It was time to try something else.
Turning misery into action
As an introvert who also had some social anxiety, I was very averse to the idea of going to rehab.
I had been twice before and I definitely did not relish the idea of going back.
But this time was different. Whatever fear or trepidation I had was pushed completely aside because I just did not care anymore.
I had accepted my pain so completely and I knew that nothing was going to change unless I took massive action.
It wasn’t that I was any more miserable than usual–it was just that I was more aware of the misery now, because I was no longer in denial. I had accepted the pain.
And because of this, I was willing to face my fear of change, and my fear of rehab. I became willing to do whatever it took.
This is what it takes to make a decision like this, to overcome denial and face your fears: you must pierce through your denial and surrender completely.
And by “surrender” I mean: fully accept your pain, realize it will never end unless you change, and become willing to do whatever it takes in order to change.
And because that pain will be immense, and you will realize that it will never end, this will motivate you to take massive action.
This is how I finally made it to rehab and conquered my addiction.
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