What follows is really a two part discussion:
1) Motivation in terms of surrender and the willingness to give recovery a chance.
2) Motivation in terms of setting and reaching goals in early recovery.
Surrender and willingness
If you are anything like me, then you are (or were) in such a state of misery that you did not believe that you could ever be happy in your life without your drug of choice.
I believed that I was only happy when I was getting drunk and high, and when you took “getting high” away from me, I was miserable. And I had been caught up in that cycle for so long that I absolutely believed that I was simply wired differently than the rest of the world–that I was truly unique, that I was the only person who would be miserable if I couldn’t use drugs and alcohol.
I was almost at the point of giving up entirely. Just completely miserable. Hopeless. I didn’t see a way I could ever be happy again. But I decided: what the heck, I’ll give this recovery thing one more try. I’ve got nothing to lose at this point. I just don’t care about anything, or anyone, least of all myself. When they talk about surrender, this is what they mean.
And this is where motivation comes from–eventually. Real motivation. The kind of motivation that leads to lasting recovery.
Now there has to be a transition from “practically wanting to die from the misery of addiction” to “excited about exploring the possibilities of a life well lived in sobriety.”
I realize that it doesn’t just happen overnight.
But I’m telling you now–this is where it all starts, at that moment of surrender. At your absolute lowest point of misery and despair, that is when you have the potential for change. That is when you can finally say to the world, and to yourself, and to your friends and loved ones: “Okay, I’m completely miserable, and I’m really ready for change this time. Help me do something different.”
We’ve touched on this before. This is one of those stretch moments that can define the trajectory of your life. Just a tiny bit of courage to reach out and ask for help, when you realize that you truly are stuck in addiction and that it’s never going to lead you to happiness.
I got to this stretch moment myself and I did not believe that I would ever be happy again, even if I could achieve sobriety. I thought I would be miserable if I was clean and sober! But I decided to stretch myself and take a risk and face my fear of rehab and give it one more shot.
And….BAM! Now I have this amazing life: Married to an amazing woman, great relationships with my family and friends, I work full time running a sober living house, I have the house and the cars and the vacations and all of those sorts of things. I quit smoking and started jogging. I started a side business that became fairly successful.
And I promise that I’m not extra smart or some super alpha male go getter guy who just dominates life and climbs the corporate ladder at everything he does and makes you want to hate him. I’m just a normal dude who got clean and sober and started pursuing some goals.
But it all starts with surrender.
Avoiding misery or reaching for your dream life?
The point of all that was this simple concept:
The addict or alcoholic will only surrender to their disease, and attempt to change their life, when they have finally experienced enough pain from it.
I can’t really motivate you by dangling promises of a luxurious life with all sorts of tantalizing rewards.
A real addict or alcoholic who is stuck in their addiction can’t be motivated by that. This is because their “dream life” is not made up of life’s luxuries–it’s simply made up of their drug of choice.
An addict or alcoholic’s dream life could include many things, but you can be sure it also includes their drug of choice, so when you are offering them an alternative to that, they just don’t get excited. It’s an instant turn off.
In other words, there is no motivation there. The only thing that motivates someone who is stuck in active addiction is….their drug of choice.
So as much as I try, I know I can’t convince you to give recovery a try based on “the good life.”
What you should know going forward is that the motivation to surrender, the motivation to actually make the leap into recovery–that has to come from “finally having had enough suffering.”
Period. So if you are the struggling addict or alcoholic reading this, you need to ask yourself: Have I had enough paid and suffering yet?
Motivation in early recovery–“success breeds success”
Now once you are in recovery, motivation becomes easier as you start progressing.
The Introverted Recovery program is set up to build a “motivation snowball,” if you will. (Okay that’s cheesy, I know).
But seriously, here is what happened to me:
I set a goal in my recovery at one point, which was to start jogging with my father and eventually run a marathon. That was a long journey, and after running with him daily for several months, I eventually got to the point where I started training up to longer and longer runs.
Now, believe it or not, I was still smoking cigarettes when I started running. This was insane, I know. And I noticed that after I finished jogging, I did not really crave a cigarette for several hours. This was unusual because normally I wanted a cigarette like every hour or two throughout the day.
So I realized that the exercise was giving me that boost of dopamine that my brain wanted, and it was a replacement for smoking. It was helping. So maybe it could help me quit.
And it eventually did. After I “became a jogger,” I met my first goal of running that marathon.
And then I was able to quit smoking (and quit nicotine altogether, which is a slightly different, and more important goal).
After I quit smoking, I was really feeling motivated from these “successes” of meeting the goals I had set.
And when I did that–when I knocked out two goals, right in a row–I had a stunning realization: I was building real momentum here. I felt invincible, like I could conquer anything. Again, it’s a bit cheesy, I know. But I really was feeling this surge of momentum. I was excited. I had set these goals, and they were not easy goals, and I had met them one right after the other.
So at that point I said to myself “I should keep going. I can really accomplish some work here in my life. Let’s get some stuff done.”
And so I started setting goals, on an aggressive path of personal growth.
Not “aggressive” in that I was accomplishing lots and lots of things all at once, but “aggressive” in that I was setting one goal at a time–a fairly big goal that really mattered–and then I was dedicating my whole life to that goal until it was accomplished. And then I was moving on to another goal immediately thereafter. Continuous forward motion.
At that point my life–and my recovery–started getting really, really good. I started a part time business which became quite successful. I started working in the field of recovery and eventually was in charge of a sober living house (where I still work today). I started reaching for more and more goals, knocking them down one at a time, and building momentum.
“Success breeds success.” Once you set a goal and get a “win,” you feel empowered to set another goal and get another win.
Then, keep going!
Life just gets better and better.
This way of living is built into the Introverted Recovery program.
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